Becoming authentic is an individual mission. As each person has their own way of being human, what is authentic will be different for each individual. The unique nature of each of us is best seen in our individual journey toward becoming aligned with our authentic selves as it unfolds over time. Becoming authentic involves knowing oneself, recognizing others, and the mutual influence that exists between individuals. Along with being honest, authenticity helps us increase our self-awareness, humility, and capacity to receive feedback from others.
I think of authenticity as a tree—the majestic edifice that teaches us much in its silence. Our strengths and values are the roots that nurture us; the trunk is the solid structure of purpose; and the flexible branches that sway in the breeze are our fluid selves that allow us to become one with the flow of life.
Understand and embrace your own values, beliefs, and identity.
Most of us have a natural tendency to vary the way in which we present ourselves according to the different people we are interacting with or situations we are experiencing. When we change our personas to suit different social situations, we may be acting out of character in an attempt to be what or how we think we “should” be. Indeed, we may be acting in accordance with what we believe others would like or prefer, or perhaps to evoke some other specific response from them.
By crafting or inventing the self we present with different people—for example, with our parents, clients, lovers, friends, teachers, colleagues, or bosses—in various situations, we can then find it difficult to identify with our authentic self. By crafting our persona for any particular person or situation, we are not being true to ourselves. We can feel disconnected from ourselves, and others can feel disconnected from us.
Acceptance of oneself is the foundation for authenticity.
We all know that feeling of waking up on the wrong side of the bed. Grumpy and irritable, we lumber through the day, getting needlessly upset over the smallest of things. We know that we’re out of sorts and feel a strange sense of chaos within ourselves.
Could it be that we are simply not being authentic? And then there’s that feeling of going after something we think we desperately need, like the latest “everything” gadget or something that’s trending and everyone seems to possess, and experiencing only momentary pleasure when we get it. We wish we could hold on to the fleeting joy, but it evaporates surprisingly soon. Could it be that, again, we haven’t really listened to our authentic selves?
A few of us develop a consistent and predictable sense of self pretty early on in life. Those people understand not only when we deviate from it but also have an internal system in place that rapidly guides us back to a place of equanimity. They also know the fruitless chase of mistaken direction and live lives of stability and clear purpose.
But most of us are more malleable and thus more vulnerable to the unexpected twists and turns of life. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The ability to step out of our default state allows us to enter the lives of others with greater empathy and compassion. We can let go of a singular view of the world and a rigid sense of the self and are able to open ourselves up to greater creativity and inspiration, all of which are multiple expressions of the self.
The problem arises when this flexibility is not grounded in a strong sense of self. Unless our ideas of who we are and our aspirations for who we want to become are coherent, we experience unease and fear and begin to feel lost in the web of life.
So here are the four essentials of living authentically, in the sweet spot between rigidity and chaos.
Dig Deep for Those Natural Resources
We are all born with an innate set of character strengths, some of which come more naturally to us than others. Some of us may be readily inclined to seek out adventure; others may find that kindness and empathy come naturally to them; and still others may be born leaders. Research shows that knowing and using our top strengths makes us feel authentic and provides us with a sense of fulfillment. It also connects us to our passions and gets us into moments of flow.
Connect to Your Guiding Light
We are more influenced by our environment than we are frequently aware of, especially when we are young. The values that we form through our early interactions become our moral compass and guiding light. They’re so essential to our well-being that we have an internal warning system that alerts us when we act in ways that are contrary to this moral code. We feel guilt, shame, and perhaps even anger at ourselves, which reminds us to correct our behavior. Being aware of these negative emotions keeps us from going astray, especially when we need to adapt to new challenges. At the same time, we must also update our values in order to avoid becoming too enmeshed in old ones that no longer serve our interests.
Release the Conditions of Worth
Values also give rise to the dreams we aspire for and the goals we create. As such, they become the driving force of our lives and make us strive for the best possible version of ourselves. However, there are occasions when we might become confused between this ideal self and the “ought self” that can emerge as a result of our early relationships being founded. We can get caught up in the expectations that other people and society place on us and lose sight of what we truly desire. Being clear on how we want to be remembered releases us of all this nonessential baggage and frees us to be true to ourselves.
Perform on the Stage of Life
Humans are unique in the mental images we create of ourselves in a heavily interconnected world. It is through these connections to other people and other places that we form a sense of identity. We can’t be authentic unless we are able to adapt to social and situational factors. A toddler may not know that the tantrum at the grocery store is totally inappropriate, but as adults, we know the importance of place. A little child may give away family secrets to a stranger without inhibition, but as adults, we know how much to open up to whom. We’re not inauthentic when we adapt according to situations. We are simply performing on the stage of life, playing different characters, all of which emerge from the dynamic interaction of our many strengths and values.
Communicate clearly in all situations.
Becoming authentic is an individual mission. As each person has their own way of being human, what is authentic will be different for each individual. The unique nature of each of us is best seen in our individual journey toward becoming aligned with our authentic selves as it unfolds over time. Being authentic involves knowing oneself, recognizing others, and the mutual influence that exists between individuals. Along with being honest, authenticity helps us increase our self-awareness, humility, and capacity to receive feedback from others.
The path to authenticity is an ongoing process as our individual identity is constantly evolving. As we increase in authenticity, we become a happier, more creative version of ourselves. According to some psychologists, authenticity can also lead to better coping strategies, a stronger sense of self-worth, more confidence, and a higher likelihood of following through on goals. As we become more authentic, we absolutely become more at ease in life, with ourselves and others.
Final Words!
I didn’t always live an authentic or unapologetic life. It took me almost 40 years of living before I began to figure out who I was and how I wanted to live my life. Like many people [maybe even you], I grew up with a list of do’s and don’ts, and I drove myself crazy trying to follow a path that I thought I should follow or one that was designed for me. I tried to go through my life dutifully, following the “rules,” but on the inside, I was dying—slowly but surely.
After spending more than a decade learning and exploring who I am and what I’m meant to do in the world, I now share that gift of understanding with others. Your life, career, or business start with you. And if you don’t have crystal clarity on who that is, you’re not truly living an authentic life.
So now I invite you to engage in a daily practice of self-reflection and check-in to see if you are living authentically today. Don’t wait for tomorrow or next year to step into who you’re meant to be or what you’re meant to do in the world. Instead, use the time you have now to lay the foundation for your future.
Wouldn’t it be great to step into the new year with clarity, confidence, enthusiasm, and joy?