Learn to Set Healthy Boundaries Without guilt “Put your foot down!” “Draw a line in the sand!” “Make a stand!”Do these phrases sound foreign to you? Well, let’s change that. Right here, right now. “Setting Boundaries,” a how-to guide for those who have a hard time saying “no,” is going to teach you how to finally assign value to yourself. Learn the ins and outs of setting boundaries that will change the way you live your daily life forever. When you learn how to set and stick with boundaries the right way, your life will begin to declutter, simplify, and, well, get easier. It’s true! Living life under your own scrutiny is hard enough. Adding everyone else’s wants and needs is the last thing you need.Let’s address the facts. You’ve spent far too long catering to and bending to the desires of others. So much so that being assertive and standing up for yourself feels unnatural, difficult, or even impossible at times. There is a very real difference between being kind and considerate and disregarding your own priorities for the sake of others, and you’re starting to realize it. You are your own person!
Helping others is gratifying. However, limits apply!
Some of the most positive aspects of human nature are community, caring, and cooperation. When we consistently prioritize the needs and desires of others over our own, it may indicate a problem. Setting boundaries is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and ensuring your well-being. To establish effective boundaries, start by identifying your personal limits and values. Reflect on what is important to you and what behaviour’s or actions you find acceptable or unacceptable.
Clearly communicate your boundaries to others in a calm and assertive manner, expressing your needs and expectations. Be consistent in enforcing your boundaries, asserting yourself when they are crossed, and calmly explaining the consequences. Remember that setting boundaries is not selfish; it is an essential act of self-care and respect for yourself and others. Regularly reassess your boundaries as circumstances and relationships evolve, and be willing to adjust them when necessary.
It can become less about giving and more about displaying a lack of self-esteem. Examine the warning signs that you are overly concerned with pleasing others and provide some practical advice on how to change this.
How can I tell if I’m a people-pleaser?
You say yes to so many things that you become overburdened or stressed. We do things for others as part of having healthy relationships. Most people won’t want to spend their free time helping a friend move boxes to their new apartment, I’m sure. We do it as a courtesy and as a sign of our concern and support.
However, saying yes to too many things can be detrimental to your health. It causes us to feel overburdened and as if we have too many things on our plates. It also indicates a problem with saying no. It hurts you to say no to people.
Sure, declining someone will be awkward in some situations. But if it’s excruciatingly painful for you, chances are you struggle to say no to people. It means you’ll be dragged into all kinds of inconvenient commitments you don’t want to make. You may even have the impression that people are aware of this about you and are taking advantage of it.
They ask for too much, and you know it!
People who take advantage of your kindness for weakness seem to seek you out. Your relationship with them appears to be centered on their problems, needs, and desires.
Is it any surprise that this starts to irritate you?
You may become resentful of how much you do for others. It should feel good to give. If it doesn’t, it could mean you’re giving too much away. Or that others are taking too much from you because you lack the boundaries to prevent it. Resentment indicates that the giving-to-receiving ratio is out of balance.
Because you aren’t speaking up about it, your resentment may manifest itself in passive-aggressive behaviors. You’ll go to any length to avoid conflict. You’d rather avoid conflict by sucking it up and taking the hit. So, if a disagreement arises, you give in fairly quickly.
That may imply allowing others to have their own way rather than standing up for yourself. Instead of arguing, you’d rather compromise your own values, priorities, and needs. And this can make it difficult to be truly yourself.
You don’t let people see the real you.
Because you don’t feel safe being yourself, honesty can be difficult for you. It’s not that you aren’t authentic, but you are constantly aware of how you are perceived and what others think of you. The desire to impress and be approved of imposes perfectionist standards on you.
The truth is that you are concerned that you are not good enough. It is through pleasing others that you feel loved and appreciated. You believe that in order to be loved, needed, and accepted, you must do what others want and expect of you.
When you do, they appear to be pleased. That makes you feel wanted and loved. You are afraid that if you don’t, they will withdraw their love from you. You frequently accept responsibility, even when it is not your fault.
Do you say sorry over and over?
Perhaps you find yourself apologizing for the most insignificant of reasons. Even if you are not at fault, guilt and shame make you feel bad all the time. You are desperate for everyone to like you. Everyone wants to like them. But, unfortunately, not everyone will. This is a difficult reality for people-pleasers to accept.
So they increase their “agreeableness” factor in order to please everyone all of the time. They may agree with things they do not believe in or agree with others simply to fit in. You spend a lot of time taking care of others’ needs, which means you neglect your own. It’s okay to prioritize yourself. However, people-pleasers will find this extremely difficult. They are afraid of being perceived as selfish if they do.
However, with only so many hours in the day, doing things for others can quickly consume time. Self-care falls at the bottom of your priority list. So, how do you begin to turn this around? The solution is to set better boundaries.
How do you set boundaries in order to avoid pleasing people?
Improve your understanding of yourself. When we want to make changes, we must be self-aware. After all, if we can’t see the truth, we can’t change it. We all need to get to know ourselves better in order to progress. This entails doing the inner work.
Examine your self-perceptions, both of yourself and of the world around you.
- This is the lens through which you view life, and you must understand what shapes it.
- You may discover that false beliefs or events from your past are now dictating your actions.
For example, you may have felt that a parent withdrew their love unless you behaved “perfectly” or as they desired.
- We don’t act the way we do for no reason.
- Investigate your own motivations in order to shed light on them. Improve your self-esteem
- Low self-esteem is at the root of many people-pleasing behaviors.
Others’ wishes and needs may be prioritized over your own because you do not believe you are worthy of putting yours first.
- Make a list of the things you like about yourself.
If you’re having trouble with that, pretend you’re your best friend.
What positives do they notice?
- Push yourself outside of your comfort zone to boost your confidence.
Take small steps, such as enrolling in a course, volunteering, attending networking events, and so on. Anything that makes you uncomfortable, because discomfort is what makes you stronger,
- Work on your self-talk.
Be more conscious of how you speak about yourself (that includes in your head as well as out loud). Mantras can help you feed yourself more positive narratives and ideas.
- Recognize and celebrate your accomplishments.
This trains you to be your own cheerleader rather than seeking approval from others.
Determine your priorities.
Many people-pleasers have spent so much time attending to the needs of others that they no longer know what is most important to them.
Consider your priorities.
- How do you want to devote your time and energy?
Make a list of everything you currently do. Now go over that list and decide which items are important to you and which are not.
Slowly say “yes.” Many people-pleasers have a practical problem in that they are unable to say no to others. This can force them to do things they would rather not do. When we are trying to change our behavior, taking baby steps feels safer and easier. Instead of saying yes right away, try saying maybe. It’s not as uncomfortable as saying no, but it gives you more time to think about it.
Use phrases like:
- Let me get back to you on that
- I’ll think about it
- I’m not sure if I can, but I’ll let you know
- I need to double-check a few things before I make that commitment.
Unfortunately, I’ll have to pass this time. Thank you for the opportunity, but it isn’t something I can take on right now, and I already have plans, so I won’t be able to attend.
Don’t explain or apologize excessively. It can be useful to have a few go-to phrases. You won’t have to think as hard when you’re on the spot.
But resist the urge to over-explain your choices. They are true and do not require justification. Excessive explanation can undermine your decisions.
Similarly, refrain from apologizing. You don’t have to apologize for putting your priorities, needs, and desires first.
Take care of your time!
We had a timetable in high school. We knew what time of day we had to be there. Schedules can help us protect and define our time. If you find yourself wasting too much time, implement a similar time-blocking strategy in your personal life.
When you answer the phone, for example, tell your friend that you only have 15 minutes to talk before you have to leave. Set aside time for yourself, and schedule time to do what you want to do.
Make a list of the “rules of your space.”
Boundaries, to me, are like the rules of your own private space. People who want access must follow these rules. This is what you will and will not tolerate.
Take a pen and paper and write everything down in black and white. How do you anticipate being treated? If putting yourself first feels difficult, consider the question, ‘How do you treat others? Because you should expect and demand the same level of respect, care, and attention that you give to others. Prepare to let go of toxic people and relationships.
Time for the truth!
Not everyone in your life will like the new, confident you. That means that some friendships, connections, or relationships may begin to fade as you no longer exist solely to meet their needs. This may not feel entirely comfortable, but keep in mind that it is for the best. Rest assured that only the most healthy and valuable ones will survive. Sitting with discomfort rather than avoiding it is an unavoidable part of development. Prepare to do so as you redraft and redefine better relationship boundaries in your mind.
In Conclusion!
Setting boundaries is a fundamental aspect of self-care and maintaining healthy relationships. By identifying your limits and values, clearly communicating them to others, and consistently enforcing them, you establish a framework that promotes respect and protects your well-being. Setting boundaries is not selfish; it is an essential act of self-preservation and maintaining your emotional and mental health. Regularly reassessing and adjusting your boundaries ensures that they remain aligned with your evolving needs and circumstances, empowering you to cultivate fulfilling and balanced relationships. Embracing the truth of boundary-setting enables you to create a healthier and more harmonious life for yourself and those around you.